With all the talk of rodeo and cowboys, of course I thought of you…

A couple of weeks ago I got an email from one of my LA girls (also named Nikki, which means she’s fabulous) with the subject line “Random and possibly inappropriate question”.

Of course my first thought was, okay…you’ve got my attention.

This email asked if 1. I’d read 50 Shades of Grey and 2. If I had enjoyed it and since I like rodeo (read: cowboys), had I heard of the Rough Riders series. Huh, well that’s funny. The author, Lorelei James, is going on a girls trip I’m taking for PBR Nashville in September. So, yeah…I might have heard of it. And I might be about to start book six in the series, but it’s whatever.

Her response?

“With all the talk about rodeos and cowboys, of course I thought of you.  That’s so cool that you’re going to meet her.  Maybe you can become a character in her next book!! ”

Go ahead readers, have a field day with that. Cause I know you will. I am looking at you, Shannon.

Platinum Annie:  I think you could teach Lorelei a thing or six… Sidenote: When I read Cat Johnson books I think of either myself or Nikki at some various stage in our life. It’s like that woman lives in our drunken memories.

Anyhow, I got another email from Nikki today. She’s apparently flown through the Rough Riders series and is “ready to start dressing her husband in wranglers and a cowboy hat and tell him to call her Little Darlin’”

Please note her husband reminds me of Kelly Slater, the professional (and hot) surfer. So I’d pay money to see that, but moving on…

She seems to be very excited about all of my upcoming PBR-related trips (I don’t think I’ve told here there are THREE of them, she might explode). These were her words of advice:

1. While at the PBR, if you meet a cowboy with the last name McKay, for the love of god sleep with him!  I don’t care if it’s just one night, it will apparently be mind blowing and worth whoring it up for the night

If I meet a real-life McKay, it won’t be just for one night, Little Darlin’. You can bet on THAT.

PA: hmmmm…. I haven’t met a McKay, but I’ve met McOneNightStand and McFling and (sorry, protecting the names of the naughty)  Side note: McFling rocked my world. <dreamy sigh> Now there’s a night worthy of plotting in one of Lorelei’s or Cat’s books.

2. Don’t be afraid of ropes or bull whips

I got this.

PA:  Yes, ropes and whips are easier to handle than handcuffs and chains…or so I hear. Horse reins work nicely too. Wait, did I say that out loud? Snap!

3. Take lots and lots of pictures because I want to see these cowboys!

Um, I’ll see what I can do.

PA: 1) Wait, what?  Pictures of your night with 50? Wouldn’t that be a bit tmi to give to a friend? Cuz we know they’d be porno pics.

2) Do we need to discuss the rule about no photographic evidence that can come back to haunt you, Crazy  Little Annie? 

3) Oh wait, does she just mean pictures of hot cowboys? Cuz we can get her those while visiting Rehab Ranchette & Laundromat–no event necessary.

CLA: or…4) WTH have you met me?! No photographic evidence EVER. And you know I’m not allowed to “put anything on the computer”. *eye roll* She just means pictures of the cowboys. We gots those. 

AND FOR THE RECORD, READERS, THERE HAS BEEN NO NIGHT WITH 50. #thatisall

Anyhow, Nikki’s parting words were…”girl, if I would’ve known about this earlier, I would’ve set my college major to buckle bunny.”

PA: Yes, if I’d only know not to waste my youth playing with the Dallas kinda cowboys and had discovered real cowboys sooner…. Snap! There I go again writing things out loud! 

Damn, I love my friends.

PA: I love your friend too. And I love us. The End.

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Inquiring minds want to know…

Crazy Little Annie: wait…what manners?

Jungle Boys, Marco Polo and other random musings…

So I’ve been a bum lately and not written anything…sorry. At first, I had nothing exciting to write about. And I still don’t…well, not really. But I’ve observed a few more things about bullriders over the past couple weeks and thought I’d pass my great scientific observations along (in no particular order). Oh, and all bullriders have been given nicknames to protect their identities.

1.  You give a bullrider a cool little battery operated chainsaw, and they will trim every tree on your property—even if it means crawling on the roof and swinging from tree to tree to do it. Ok, I made up the part about swinging from tree to tree, but 50 Shades *did* crawl up on the roof to trim the trees around the house.

Crazy Little Annie: I got so twitterpated trying to comment on this I forgot what my Annie name was. 50 does manual labor? 

Platinum Annie: Yard (manual) work never looked so good. And the trimmed trees/mowed yard were nice to look at too, I suppose. 

2. They will play Marco Polo in the pool for HOURS! And I suspect they might cheat as they always seemed to intrinsically know to call “fish out of water” every time Junior Ranger got out of the pool.

3. They’re just downright pretty when they dive. I guess they get lots of practice flying through the air on some of those rank PBR bulls—it translates well into jumping off the diving board. NV is quite an accomplished swimmer and impressive off the diving board. Lucky Charms just looked pretty with his jumps/twists/dives (but don’t tell him I used the word “pretty” in a sentence w/him!).

CLA: Lucky is so little. Jumps and twists come natural when you weigh 20 pounds.

Platinum Annie:  To quote a famous Annie (namely you), “I just want to put him in my pocket and feed him Cheerios.”

4.  After a serious poolside discussion, it was decided that sun tea was the best tea, though Lucky Charms has tried some other brewed tea thanks to his beautiful girlfriend Sunny. It was funny listening to a bunch of cowboys discussing those “fancy ‘new’ teas.”  My cowboy was extolling the benefits of tea like he was a homeopathic expert. I had to go inside and get them some more tea, and by that I mean I had to go inside so they wouldn’t see me laughing at them and their conversation. I mean, seriously, I thought cowboys spent their time talking about bulls, bullriding, land, weather, women and booze.  Also, they contradicted themselves. They all agreed that none of them cared for sweet tea…yet at lunch 2 of them had ordered sweet tea. And I know my cowboy adds pink stuff to his…. However, I refrained from pointing this out due to my fear of being thrown in the pool.

5.   I had them sign a little bag from author Cat Johnson (Surprise Cat! Gonna be mailing that to you soon).   You should have seen the interest light up in 50 Shades’ eyes when I explained what kind of books Cat wrote. They were all like “So she basically writes porn about cowboys?” “And people read that?”  “Cool!!!!”  “Does she need any material?” And so on and so on.

CLA: *spits Diet Coke* ummm….no comment. Hey 50…see you in Thackerville.

6.  Oh, can I just insert here how I much I LOVE Texas heat. And by that I mean I love the fact that the cowboys at Rehab Ranchette & Laundromat run around shirtless about 95% of the time. God Bless Texas (hot weather)!

7. Their laundry is deceptively gargantuan. I realized this when folding Golden Child’s laundry last weekend. One load of cowboy’s folded clothes produced, like, 37 tshirts, 4 dozen pairs of socks, 2 dozen pairs of shorts, about a million bathing suits, and 3 pairs of boxers (which supports my theory that most cowboys usually go commando a majority of the time). Also, I have GOT to figure out what the obsession is with owning so many swimsuits….but that’ll have to be another blog.

CLA: do you realize how similar the size of this laundry list is to that of a toddler? Coincidence? I think not.

Platinum Annie: I never thought about this, but you’re absolutely right!!! I wonder if I switch out one of their bathing suits with GC’s 5 y/o nephew if anyone would notice. They’d probably just wear it…Can you envision 50 or Lucky in a Cars (the movie) swimsuit? 

8. Bullriders start really young. My cowboy pulled out VHS tapes of the Golden Child from his younger pro-youth rodeo days.  I love that my cowboy would randomly tape over stuff, so one minute we’re watching Golden Child throw a fit on Christmas morning at age 4 and then we break in with Tuff Hedeman’s youth bullriding thingee when GC was 11.  And one tape labeled bullriding had some Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel taped over on it. Now my cowboy assumed it was his daughter that must’ve taped those. Given when those shows aired and the ages of his kids at the time, I suspect Golden Child *may* have taped over his own bullridings to watch Buffy. I do not know this for sure…will have to ask. But according to my math, his big sister was probably already off at college and couldn’t have taped those shows. But to give a benefit of a doubt, maybe she taped them and took them home to watch them when she wasn’t off at school. However, since Golden Child loves the Spice Girls, I don’t think it’s such a stretch that he liked Buffy.

CLA: mmmmm…David Boreanaz. 

9.  While bullriders have their less-than-stellar qualities, overall, I have to say they’re a great group of guys. Even though all the ones hanging at the Rehab Ranchette & Laundromat are injured, they’re trying to take care of the place. They’ve trimmed trees, mowed the yard, and got the pool looking gorgeous!  They help each other out—from traveling together on the road to giving each other rides to the doctor to rehabbing in the pool (Marco Polo is very therapeutic just so you know!).

10. While certainly not always, they can be extremely thoughtful and kind. They were asking me about my daughter over the weekend (she’s deaf). NV and Lucky Charms seemed honestly interested…they didn’t seem to just be making polite conversation. I also mentioned a little cowboy I follow on FB (Tynan’s Crusade) who is battling cancer and is really sick right now. I was struck by how quick LC interrupted me with “We’re so lucky…” To paraphrase, he feels lucky because even though he hasn’t been able to get on a bull in over a year, he is still much healthier than little Tynan will ever be. NV quickly agreed with him. One of them (can’t remember who) even went on to say something to the effect of how they get to choose to ride bulls and risk the pain and suffering that can come from the injuries but kids like Tynan don’t have a choice….   I was impressed by this insight.  I can also say that any cowboy in that circle who’s been around my daughter has always been kind to her and tried to communicate with her.

So while they may be rough, lewd, obnoxious twits at times, just as often they’re kind and thoughtful. Complex, contemplative creatures, these cowboys are…  So basically they’re just like the rest of us. They have their ups and downs. Some of them are especially nice—others leans towards being assholes 98% of the time. But all in all, they’re just normal, regular guys. I don’t know if that’s disappointing or heartening to y’all… But it’s interesting. And as long as they keep giving me material, I’ll keep writing about them!

CLA: normal? You’re being kind. 

I’m sorry…what?

Before last Friday I’ve had my cards read twice. Cards…as in tarot. And although I know to take it all with a grain of salt, those two previous readings were wickedly accurate and it’s just so much fun! The first was when I was around 26, still lived in Dallas, and it was just a general reading of who I was and random things about my future. I was with two co-workers so the questions didn’t get to specific. The second was when I was about 28, lived in Los Angeles, and was absolutely positively miserable in my marriage. That reading was RIDICULOUSLY accurate about many things. I still look a bit like Bambi in headlights when I think about it.

There are varying beliefs on anything to do with astrology, this I’m very aware. But seriously y’all, to each his own. I don’t swear by every detail of a card reading. But I do highly believe it’s a good way to jump start and refresh your mojo. This is what I desperately needed after the funk I was in for two or three weeks. My friend B told me about a reader she has been to a few times and each “one-hour session” ends up being a two-three hour life coaching experience. Needless to say, upon hearing that I picked up the phone and made an appointment. Sign a bitch up!

I am not going into details, because I don’t feel like sharing too much of it…it’s kinda like telling someone what you wished for while blowing out your birthday candles! And we know how I feel about birthdays.

Here’s what you need to know. Because it’s amazing.

1. My husband is in oil and gas and comes from a very well-established Dallas family.

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My first response was, wait…I’m not going to marry Dierks Bentley? Bummer.

Platinum Annie: Well, at least you won’t be a husband stealing wench then, since DB is already married. #brightside  Though you would have made beautiful babies with DB…<dreamy sigh>

My mother’s response was “oh you’re going to marry one of those Ewing boys.” Yes mother, since they’re real. In all seriousness, the Ewings are based off of a real Dallas family. So of course their (actual) name has come up every time I have told a Dallas friend about this. Folks, I have a better chance of becoming President of the United States than marrying into that particular family. Besides…they’re batshit crazy.

Platinum Annie: Hey, hey  now….remember:

Funny Weekend Ecard: Here in the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the front porch and give it a cocktail.

Platinum Annie cont.: We take pride in our crazies… But I understand not wanting to be married to (another) one.

But I’m super glad Dear Hubby comes with money, because…

Platinum Annie: I’m super glad he comes with money too. Cuz as I much as I love cowboys, most don’t have any money. This means I’m counting on your hubby to finance our future spa weekends.

2. I am going to have twins.

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Quit laughing because the freaky deaky part you need to know about this? She’s the SECOND, not the first, but the second card reader that has told me I will have twins. The first one actually said possibly triplets, but I put an end to that pretty fast. I told her to re-read that shit. What’s hilarious is I’ve always thought I would have twins, for no reason in particular and they don’t even run in my part of the family…I’ve just always thought so. Cause I’m clearly insane.

Platinum Annie: So if they’re girls, there names will incorporate Annie and our middle names, right?  Oh the fun we’ll have decorating on your hubby’s budget!

So Readers, have Y’ALL ever had your cards read? And will you come to my baby (I’m sorry, babies) shower?

Platinum Annie:  I’ve never done the card reading, but I did a numerology thing once. She was right about my 20s and 30s so far. Holding out hope for the rest cuz apparently I get rich in my late 40s/50s. <fingers crossed> Winnebago traveling, here I come! (I’m guessing that’s what you do when you get money in your 50s???)

Quotes of the Day….

Crazy Little Annie and I are on a roll today.   Here are some goodies for today:

“Oh if only all of life’s problems could be solved with hairspray, mascara and vodka.”

“I see champagne and something with melted cheese involved.”

“I wish Ross’s event wasn’t way-the-hell-in-nowhere…”

” I read that tweet and was like, excuse me while I pick my clothes off the floor.”

“All this talk about sexuality and women’s lib is making my ovaries hurt. Or maybe it’s pms.”

” I could only deal with her if lots of booze is involved. ”

“We DO NOT have to be nice to her….well, only as civil as our Southern roots force us to be.”

” I need cupcakes in my life like you need a man.”

“you’ll at least get a cupcake tomorrow! I might get a man by 2015.”

“Worst case scenario: You may have to go work in a winery as a taste tester & risk being called a wino.”

And that’s just today’s comments! Have I mentioned how much  love us? Cuz we’re awesome! Admit it, at least one of those comments brought a smile to your face.

My take on 5 ways to beat the heat…

So I’m reading this story on cnn.com called “5 Tips to Survive Extreme Heat” (found here) I feel the need to re-work this from a Rehab Ranch point of view. So here’s the 5 tips listed from the article, with my interpretations:

1. Hydration is key

Hydrating at frequent intervals is critical, rather than waiting until you’re at your maximum thirst.

Platinum Annie’s take: Yep! We’re all for hydration here at Rehab Ranch. We recommend. We recommend beer, tequila, voka and rum as four major sources…

2. Drink cool – not cold – water

Platinum Annie: Water, wait what? Are we talking about the pool? Cuz yeah, you don’t want freezing cold water in the pool necessarily. Of course, I don’t recommend drinking pool water. At ALL.

(Seriously, though, we promote getting plenty of water here at Rehab Ranch. It’s the one healthy thing I possibly do…)

3. Start early

If you’re working outside, make every effort to start before the sun comes up or at least before it’s reached its peak.

Platinum Annie: I vote you just call in sick and go swimming if you have to be outside at all.

4. Stay wet

Platinum Annie: That’s what HE said to me last night… Wait…what?   Ohhhh….they were talking about how if you stop sweating, you may be getting heat stroke. Yeah that’s bad. Again, I vote for jumping in the pool and/or drinking a tasty ice-cold beverage.

5. Dress strategically

(The article discusses wearing long sleeved light colored clothing.)

Platinum Annie: We here at Rehab Ranch endorse running around half-naked as our dress strategy for the summer. Just wear sunscreen. And if any hot cowboys need me to rub it on their back…

And there you have it. You can read the article if you want the “experts” suggestions.  I think mine are better though. Anyone else have any suggestions? Please share below!

Prince wrote a song about it…

And no, I ain’t talking about Darling Nikki! Since I’ve NEVER been called that. But this one, right here…wanna hear it, here it go…

Platinum Annie and I have discussed Pussy Control (not the song, the actual thing) quite a bit this week. The lesson of the day (#LOTD) today is, never underestimate the power of the pussy. It can do many magical things. It can get men to participate in a woman’s scheme unknowingly, it can cause a man to show up somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be until the next day or stay in a relationship that makes me want to bang my  head up against a wall…basically it can cause a man to go desperate and stupid. Without knowing it. And it’s AWESOME. But we’ve not always been aware, or at least open, about this. You know, about sex. And that we like it. And we use it.

We are all familiar with the Sexual Revolution that started in the 60s and continued into the 80s. And of course there is Women’s Lib and feminist movements that have morphed along generations. Although this has been an integral part of women’s history, there is still room for improvement in many areas. I’m not going to get into salary differences and the long list of other double standards. I am just talking about sexuality in general. And in my personal opinion, nothing did more for modern-day women being open about their sexuality than Sex and the City. Between the words that came out of Samantha’s mouth and the Rabbit making its appearance, it was ON.

Now fast forward to 2012.

I am fully convinced this is the year men must accept that we are just as filthy as they are. And we are much smarter about it.

I do not want to get into an argument over 50 Shades here, as that’s not what we’re here for and we like to keep things happy, happy, happy. But I personally loved it and much like when SATC was new, women are talking again…and talking dirty.

And today? Today is opening day of Magic Mike. And we are taking out 50 Shades of Filthy right to the box office. I’ve been in the movie business for 16 years, so I know a thing or two. I know that this industry is still ran by ignorant old geezers, which means there aren’t enough prints of MM out there. They didn’t think it would do well. So, Ted will more than likely win by default based on print count, but it’s going to be extremely close.

And that?

That’s Pussy Control.

You’re welcome. 

You *know* I (Platinum Annie) had to weigh in on this subject:


Part of me wants to go into the fact that the sexual revolution started WAY before the 60s….We were actually not near as repressed in the 1920s as we were in the 1950s (a lot of great women’s erotica came out in the 20s). But that’s a whole other history lesson/blog.  I think we’ve come far enough that SOCIETY–both men AND other women should accept our sexual revolution and embrace it this year. Unfortunately, who have I seen protest the most about “Magic Mike”—WOMEN!  From what I’ve seen on FB anyway…  But this is a happy place, so I won’t get into any arguments… Except for:

Seriously????  When you have the choice of watching a teddy bear take on lifelike characteristics such as drinking beer and using a public urinal OR watch hot guys take off their clothes….This seems to be a no-brainer. Those movie people need to hire Rehab Ranch as consultants. And who the hell thought up this movie? Seems to me that a twisted screenwriter whose mommy locked him in the closet got a little too attached to his teddy bear, did an acid trip and came up with this plotline. And big movie people honestly think this will out-sell Magic Mike (shaking head)????  What kinda crack are they smoking?

Crazy Little Annie comment:  it’s from the creator of Family Guy, hence why it will do well.

Personally, I did not get into 50 Shades… but to each her own. I prefer the naughty novels of Cat Johnson and I’ve been told I need to download some Lorelei James ASAP.  I’d like to see “Magic Mike”…don’t know if I’ll be able to or not….may just have to amuse myself watching half-naked cowboys run around instead.

Crazy Little Annie comment: hell, I read them all. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to written smut. Not ashamed.

So let me just put it out there… I am a grown woman. And I like sex. I like to read erotic novels and look at half naked men–whether on the big screen or in real life. And I’m not ashamed of it. I’d love to hear from our sister Annies and how ya’ll feel about the subject. Who’s with me?? Let’s make 2012 the Year of Women (and their Sexuality). Who else is loud and proud? Please reply.

 Crazy Little Annie comment: ooh, ooh me me! I wrote a blog about it!

Quote of the day…

We often have a quotable moment as we converse throughout the day (thank you Yahoo Messenger). Here is today’s QOTD:  “Yep! I’m sure he cares for her….like he cares for sex on a regular basis and like he cares for something harder than beer on occassion…but that ain’t love!”

You KNOW Crazy Little Annie got a comment about this: Hell no that ain’t love. That’s pussy control. And she’s too young to know how to wield it right. Bless her heart, I bet she writes their names together in her notebook at night and uses hearts to dot the Is. #vomit

Platinum Annie response: Oh, to be young and dumb again. <sigh> D & I made a pact that if I ever do/say/write anything gushy stupid about us that he will kill me.  I can only hope he’ll be true to that and put me out of my misery if I gush publicly like that.