So My Cowboy (MC) and I recently went to a local benefit bullriding to watch Golden Child (GC) get on a bull for the first time. Well ok, he’s been on some practice bulls, but this was the 1st bull at an event. Granted, a small-time benefit bullriding doesn’t have near the quality of bulls as a PBR event, but ya gotta start somewhere. One thing I noted about this event (as well as other small time functions I’ve been to)–there’s nothing like a small-time rodeo to bring out all the wannabe bullriders and cowboys.
So instead of writing a year-end wrap-up blog (I’ll try to get to this before February!), I decided to write up my Top 5 Signs You’re NOT a Badass Bullrider and Top 5 Signs You’re NOT a real cowboy. We’ll start with the bullriders…
Top 5 Signs you’re really NOT the badass bullrider that you proclaim to be:
5. You wear your chaps the whole time you’re at an event…way after you’ve bucked off and there’s no chance of you getting to the short go.
Appropriate use of chaps:
Look wannabe’s– it’s not hard….If you have no chance of getting into the short-go, ditch your chaps & help out your friends who still have a shot at short-round money:
Crazy Lil Annie says: I know an additional use of chaps, but I don’t know if one would call it “appropriate”.
P.S. awwwwwwwwwwww, EL JAY!
4. Your jeans are clean and starched to perfection at the event
Do you see starch lines on the jeans in the above pictures? (yes, I’m giving you another chance to stare at the above pictures—you’re welcome). And here’s another example:
Nope, no extra starch there…
3. You rode one time in a small-time bullriding event , so you call yourself a pro. Seriously, I’m not super impressed that you won the Hicksville County Fair bullriding back in 2008.
CLA says: I think I’ve been to Hicksville. Got a cousin or two that lives there.
2. You’re more interested in the after-party and the buckle bunnies than the riding itself. This needs no explanation. We’ve all seen these guys at the after-parties skulking around hoping to find a buckle bunny that’s so drunk she believes he rode that night.
CLA: why come you gotta knock the after party?! And please, I’ve probably been that drunk.
1. You spend 98% of your bullriding career talking on twitter and FB about how much of a badass you are and brag about your oh-so-awful injuries from the night before but try to play it off like it’s nothing (though you keep going on and on about it).
THIS is a real bullrider after breaking both legs, splintering his spine, and running low on painkiller. Note that he’s not complaining but showing off the cookies a fan brought to him in the hospital:
Here’s what a guy looks like who’s exhausted & tired of his crutches. Please note he’s not complaining…just trying to catch a quick nap.
CLA says: f*cking crutches.
You wannabe’s talking smack about your injuries need to take some lessons in humility and quit whining. You’re not even a fraction as tough as Golden Child.
And here’s yet another real cowboy making the best of things. He’s not complaining even though his hip is super jacked up in this picture:
CLA says: I…nevermind. Moving on…
Top 5 Signs You Are NOT a Real Cowboy:
5. Your jeans are clean at the end of any given day.
This is the same as #4 above. See below for a picture of what a real cowboy looks like as the day ends:
4. You don’t like Chris Ledoux and/or can’t quote Lonesome Dove.
CLA says: “A man who wouldn’t cheat for a poke don’t want one bad enough!”
3. You wear spurs everywhere you go…even to the bar…especially to the bar (so you can pick up buckle bunnies)
(Appropriate use of spurs)
2. You don’t have good manner manners—saying yes ma’am and no sir, opening doors, etc. I absolutely guarantee you that if you’ve ever met a real cowboy, they addressed you as ma’am/sir.
And lastly, my biggest pet peeve that wannabe’s never get right:
1. You don’t understand when to wear a felt hat and when a straw hat is appropriate.
Note that they are all wearing straw hats here (except for Harve, but he’s special, what can we say?). That’s because this event was at the end of May in Texas.
Here are pictures of cowboys at winter events:
Note the felt hats. Get it?
Some cowboys, as well as wannabe’s, don’t get this & go without hats:
PLEASE put your helmet/hat back on Mike!
CLA says: make it stop.
And others skip the traditions and wear hard hats (while riding):
And lastly, hatbands are acceptable any time of year….but only if you’re cool enough:
Actually I don’t really know or care about hatbands…I just love this picture of JB Mauney and thought ya’ll would enjoy it too!
Hope you enjoyed this…part of my inspiration for this blog came from watching PBR the past 2 nights on YouTube. Some of the fans at the event are dressed in their interpretation of what a cowboy is–leaving me to shake my head. A lot of them look utterly ridiculous. Sooooo I think this blog is my Public Service Announcement to the poorly dressed wannabe cowboys at Madison Square Garden this weekend.