Adventures of Platinum Annie – the Ranch Hand….Ole!

popgun

(Popgun from the Ruthless Pistol Ranch.)

I was so proud that My Cowboy and I got the 2 young bulls loaded pretty easily this morning and got them to the vet and back without too much drama. I was finally starting to think I may be getting the hang of this ranch hand stuff. And THEN My Cowboy (MC) had to go and say “hey, let’s drive those bulls up and pen them before we go eat.” I started having flashbacks to a few months ago when we attempted to do the same thing and I failed MISERABLY at it.

So I mentally steeled myself and off we went to drive the bulls up to the pen. The bulls were in a 2 acre enclosure that has a big stock pond in it (just some background info here). Long story short…after several failed attempts–the bulls kept basically running a circle around the pond, we split up. MC walked and I drove the mule and we tried to cut them off. That didn’t work. I don’t drive as aggressively as MC would like me too apparently. So then he came and grabbed the wheel & started driving over bumps really fast. I didn’t saw anything, just gave him a look. He said “hey, if you don’t like how I drive, you can just get out.”

Soooo…..there I am, in the middle of the pasture in my cheap Walmart flats that are covered in bullshit. I’m wearing my bright red sweater and wishing for some midol & a heating pad. Sorry, I know that’s way TMI, but  those that work with male animals will understand why I mentioned this. Soooo anywho…..I saw Death again (see my facebook post about Crazy Jack). Only this time Death was several bulls. Instead of hightailing it anywhere else but where I was, I froze. Mentally I was thinking up my backup plan–to jump in the stock tank and start swimming. Mind you, I don’t know how to swim. But that’s the only plan B I could come up with on short notice.

Popgun is the lead bull running at me and I’m sitting here thinking “I can’t believe I’m going to die in cheap Walmart flats…I hope Crazy Annie drives down here and puts me in some 5″ heels before they do the autopsy.”  I feebly put up my hands out in front of me and said something brilliant like “Shoo….bad bull, bad bullies….”  And you know what? They went around me! Yay!!!  I’m a GREAT matador right?  Ole!!! OK, so MC’s driving behind the bulls turning them off course so they didn’t run me down *might* have had something to do with my escape from Death. But let me have my moment please.  MC also wasn’t too thrilled about all this because he wanted me to turn the bulls around and head them towards the pen. Yeah right.

Anyway, he then tells me to hop in the mule, so I did. I didn’t argue about his driving this time. We then had a *great* discussion about our strategy. Right. MC really just spouted off stuff I didn’t understand or couldn’t hear over the pounding of my own heart and the mule’s motor. Somehow, and I don’t even remember how, I ended up on foot again.  And again the bulls headed in their circle around the stock pond towards me.

This time I asked myself, “WWSD?–What Would Shorty Do?” SHORTY(Shorty Gorham is a professional bullfighter for any of you who may not be familiar with PBR. He’s my fave!)  I started waving my hands back and forth and talking smack to Popgun. I was also moving side to side with that little sideways 2 step that bullfighters and idiots like me like to do. MC said I almost looked like I knew what I was doing….for a couple of seconds. High praise.

Popgun and crew still got by me that time, but I was getting the hang of it. I was also getting ticked and cranky from the pms. So the next time they came around, I had my hands on my hips (mad-mama style) and yelled at the bulls. They stood there and looked at me like I was an alien from another planet. I told them they needed to behave or I was going to have them on the grill tonight for dinner with a glass of wine. I boldly told them I wasn’t taking anymore of their crap.

Lo and behold, they actually shuffled off to the pen!!!!!!!!!! Do I totally rock or what???? Ok, ok, so *maybe* the bulls were just friggin’ exhausted from so many trips around the stock pond and *maybe* it had something to do with MC behind them shuffling them along.  But let’s let me have another moment. Ole!

MC ran up and slammed the pen’s gate after the last one shuffled over there and I thought “I wonder if hydrocodone AND alcohol would kill me?” Oh wait? Did I write that out loud? I mean, I thought “Gosh, MC and I are working hard and learning how to work as a team finally.” Right. Honestly, I actually thought “How soon can I get out of this place? I want my heating pad! But not til after lunch. MC owes me lunch for all this work by golly!”

MC still had to sort the bulls in the pens but I just sat on another trailer and supervised. And by supervised, I mean I just watched with my phone ready to dial 911 if the bulls ran him over. I was so done.

In the end, I finally got my “free lunch” and headed home. I am now relaxing with a glass of wine, a heating pad and some cookie dough. Don’t judge.

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