Quotes of the Day….

Crazy Little Annie and I are on a roll today.   Here are some goodies for today:

“Oh if only all of life’s problems could be solved with hairspray, mascara and vodka.”

“I see champagne and something with melted cheese involved.”

“I wish Ross’s event wasn’t way-the-hell-in-nowhere…”

” I read that tweet and was like, excuse me while I pick my clothes off the floor.”

“All this talk about sexuality and women’s lib is making my ovaries hurt. Or maybe it’s pms.”

” I could only deal with her if lots of booze is involved. ”

“We DO NOT have to be nice to her….well, only as civil as our Southern roots force us to be.”

” I need cupcakes in my life like you need a man.”

“you’ll at least get a cupcake tomorrow! I might get a man by 2015.”

“Worst case scenario: You may have to go work in a winery as a taste tester & risk being called a wino.”

And that’s just today’s comments! Have I mentioned how much  love us? Cuz we’re awesome! Admit it, at least one of those comments brought a smile to your face.

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My take on 5 ways to beat the heat…

So I’m reading this story on cnn.com called “5 Tips to Survive Extreme Heat” (found here) I feel the need to re-work this from a Rehab Ranch point of view. So here’s the 5 tips listed from the article, with my interpretations:

1. Hydration is key

Hydrating at frequent intervals is critical, rather than waiting until you’re at your maximum thirst.

Platinum Annie’s take: Yep! We’re all for hydration here at Rehab Ranch. We recommend. We recommend beer, tequila, voka and rum as four major sources…

2. Drink cool – not cold – water

Platinum Annie: Water, wait what? Are we talking about the pool? Cuz yeah, you don’t want freezing cold water in the pool necessarily. Of course, I don’t recommend drinking pool water. At ALL.

(Seriously, though, we promote getting plenty of water here at Rehab Ranch. It’s the one healthy thing I possibly do…)

3. Start early

If you’re working outside, make every effort to start before the sun comes up or at least before it’s reached its peak.

Platinum Annie: I vote you just call in sick and go swimming if you have to be outside at all.

4. Stay wet

Platinum Annie: That’s what HE said to me last night… Wait…what?   Ohhhh….they were talking about how if you stop sweating, you may be getting heat stroke. Yeah that’s bad. Again, I vote for jumping in the pool and/or drinking a tasty ice-cold beverage.

5. Dress strategically

(The article discusses wearing long sleeved light colored clothing.)

Platinum Annie: We here at Rehab Ranch endorse running around half-naked as our dress strategy for the summer. Just wear sunscreen. And if any hot cowboys need me to rub it on their back…

And there you have it. You can read the article if you want the “experts” suggestions.  I think mine are better though. Anyone else have any suggestions? Please share below!

Prince wrote a song about it…

And no, I ain’t talking about Darling Nikki! Since I’ve NEVER been called that. But this one, right here…wanna hear it, here it go…

Platinum Annie and I have discussed Pussy Control (not the song, the actual thing) quite a bit this week. The lesson of the day (#LOTD) today is, never underestimate the power of the pussy. It can do many magical things. It can get men to participate in a woman’s scheme unknowingly, it can cause a man to show up somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be until the next day or stay in a relationship that makes me want to bang my  head up against a wall…basically it can cause a man to go desperate and stupid. Without knowing it. And it’s AWESOME. But we’ve not always been aware, or at least open, about this. You know, about sex. And that we like it. And we use it.

We are all familiar with the Sexual Revolution that started in the 60s and continued into the 80s. And of course there is Women’s Lib and feminist movements that have morphed along generations. Although this has been an integral part of women’s history, there is still room for improvement in many areas. I’m not going to get into salary differences and the long list of other double standards. I am just talking about sexuality in general. And in my personal opinion, nothing did more for modern-day women being open about their sexuality than Sex and the City. Between the words that came out of Samantha’s mouth and the Rabbit making its appearance, it was ON.

Now fast forward to 2012.

I am fully convinced this is the year men must accept that we are just as filthy as they are. And we are much smarter about it.

I do not want to get into an argument over 50 Shades here, as that’s not what we’re here for and we like to keep things happy, happy, happy. But I personally loved it and much like when SATC was new, women are talking again…and talking dirty.

And today? Today is opening day of Magic Mike. And we are taking out 50 Shades of Filthy right to the box office. I’ve been in the movie business for 16 years, so I know a thing or two. I know that this industry is still ran by ignorant old geezers, which means there aren’t enough prints of MM out there. They didn’t think it would do well. So, Ted will more than likely win by default based on print count, but it’s going to be extremely close.

And that?

That’s Pussy Control.

You’re welcome. 

You *know* I (Platinum Annie) had to weigh in on this subject:


Part of me wants to go into the fact that the sexual revolution started WAY before the 60s….We were actually not near as repressed in the 1920s as we were in the 1950s (a lot of great women’s erotica came out in the 20s). But that’s a whole other history lesson/blog.  I think we’ve come far enough that SOCIETY–both men AND other women should accept our sexual revolution and embrace it this year. Unfortunately, who have I seen protest the most about “Magic Mike”—WOMEN!  From what I’ve seen on FB anyway…  But this is a happy place, so I won’t get into any arguments… Except for:

Seriously????  When you have the choice of watching a teddy bear take on lifelike characteristics such as drinking beer and using a public urinal OR watch hot guys take off their clothes….This seems to be a no-brainer. Those movie people need to hire Rehab Ranch as consultants. And who the hell thought up this movie? Seems to me that a twisted screenwriter whose mommy locked him in the closet got a little too attached to his teddy bear, did an acid trip and came up with this plotline. And big movie people honestly think this will out-sell Magic Mike (shaking head)????  What kinda crack are they smoking?

Crazy Little Annie comment:  it’s from the creator of Family Guy, hence why it will do well.

Personally, I did not get into 50 Shades… but to each her own. I prefer the naughty novels of Cat Johnson and I’ve been told I need to download some Lorelei James ASAP.  I’d like to see “Magic Mike”…don’t know if I’ll be able to or not….may just have to amuse myself watching half-naked cowboys run around instead.

Crazy Little Annie comment: hell, I read them all. I’m equal opportunity when it comes to written smut. Not ashamed.

So let me just put it out there… I am a grown woman. And I like sex. I like to read erotic novels and look at half naked men–whether on the big screen or in real life. And I’m not ashamed of it. I’d love to hear from our sister Annies and how ya’ll feel about the subject. Who’s with me?? Let’s make 2012 the Year of Women (and their Sexuality). Who else is loud and proud? Please reply.

 Crazy Little Annie comment: ooh, ooh me me! I wrote a blog about it!

Quote of the day…

We often have a quotable moment as we converse throughout the day (thank you Yahoo Messenger). Here is today’s QOTD:  “Yep! I’m sure he cares for her….like he cares for sex on a regular basis and like he cares for something harder than beer on occassion…but that ain’t love!”

You KNOW Crazy Little Annie got a comment about this: Hell no that ain’t love. That’s pussy control. And she’s too young to know how to wield it right. Bless her heart, I bet she writes their names together in her notebook at night and uses hearts to dot the Is. #vomit

Platinum Annie response: Oh, to be young and dumb again. <sigh> D & I made a pact that if I ever do/say/write anything gushy stupid about us that he will kill me.  I can only hope he’ll be true to that and put me out of my misery if I gush publicly like that.

Happy happy happy

As Platinum Annie can tell you, I have spent the last few weeks trying not to throw myself off of a damn building. My life is in a bit of a holding pattern right now, till the Good Lord decides to shift gears. And I’m not always okay with that, as I’m an obsessive compulsive planner (read: control freak) and I need everything to go my way. Right now.

When everything seems like it’s a disaster, it’s typically the little things in life that make you happy. I’ve noticed the past few days I must start my day with two things: Tim Hortons coffee and Ryan Bingham.

I have a sick obsession with Canada that stems from my serious hockey fandom days (high school and college). I’ve lived in Texas and California my whole life, yet have never been to Mexico, but have been to Canada…TWICE. Halifax and Calgary are two of my favorite places I’ve ever been. And Banff is just heaven on earth. During said visits I picked up a nasty habit…the Timbit. Sure, they’re just a varietal of donut holes to the average eye. But to those who’ve had them, they are crack coated balls of goodness. Yes, that’s what she said.

Timmy also has good coffee, which our girlfriend Charlene brings me every time she makes it to Tejas. She also brings me ketchup chips, which…that’s a whole other post, my friends. I recently discovered (thanks to Platinum Annie) the My K-Cup device, which allows me to use my stored up Timmy’s coffee in me Keurig (aka the greatest invention ever). This makes me happy…very happy.

And whilst sipping in my Timmy’s and driving to the sweatshop, I put on a little Bingham and life is good for seven whole miles.

“Take me to see the voodoo queen, let her put a spell on me…a little bit of change will ease my pain”

XO, Crazy Little Annie

Platinum Annie:  I couldn’t resist adding my two cents. 

Lots of things make me happy. Most recently, it was a 6 pack of Dr. Pepper made with Imperial Sugar:

Talk about a little slice of Heaven around 3 p.m.  Perfection in a can!!! (It’s a Southern thing folks).

I have so many things/people that make me happy. I have a great cowboy in my life, the most amazing daughter to walk the planet, awesome friends, family I can count on, a new job I love and the knowledge that God loves me in spite of myself! Other things that make me extremely happy include the music of King George, my high heel collection (it’s truly fab, but that’s another blog on its own), junk food, a cold beer on a hot day, etc.  But there are some intangible things….stuff you can’t exactly reach out and touch that make me happiest. First and foremost of those is the sound of my daughters giggles:

 L lost her hearing when she was 2 (docs don’t really know why). Even though she can’t hear herself giggle, she lives her life to the fullest and giggles happily at the simplest things–such as getting a kiss from her friend Callie.  This has to be the thing that makes me happiest. I love the sound of her giggles…it’s infectious.  Makes me instantly happy no matter how bad a day I’m having. Other, lesser  intangible things that make me happy include bonding with characters in a good book series, the sight of freshly baled hay as I drive down the highway (ok, I could probably reach and touch them, but it’s Texas–I’d either get shot for trespassing or stroke out from the heat), the smell of rain, the sight of baby calves interacting with their mamas (again, I could probably reach out and touch the cattle, but I value my life, so let’s call it an intangible), and the peace I feel every time I’m out on the ranch riding with my cowboy while he drives the mule all around the property checking things out.

There’s so many more things that make me happy. And I’m sure ya’ll will hear about them as we go along with this blog.

This post has been part of the Happiness Is… Blog Hop hosted by Rub Some Dirt On It.

Life Lesson of the Day…

I don’t always offer life lessons but when I do…they’re usually reinforcing the obvious but with an amusing twist. Consider yourselves fairly warned.

First, I have a few admissions to make…. 1) I leave almost empty water bottles (1/3 or less) strewn throughout my vehicle. 2) Many times, I will grab one of the plethora of bottles in the morning on my way to work just to “wet my whistle”. 3) I’ll even drink out of a bottle that I’ve lost the cap too–I mean, how dirty can the water get just sitting there in the bottle overnight in my cup holder. 4) I’m not necessarily too lazy to look for a lost bottle cap–it’s just that it would be like looking for a bottle cap in the Grand Canyon of a landfill that is the makeup of the floors in my car.

Now that I’ve confessed my sins, on to my story. Sooooo….I get up this morning and am in a slight hurry–this is normal after spending the night at the ranch. It’s a half hour drive to work from there. As I’m driving I think to myself “Gosh, I really need a drink!” So I automatically reached for the my bottle in my cup holder. I was a bit suspicious of it because I was pretty sure I had not lost the cap to it yet there it was sitting in all its glory–naked without a cap.  As I grab the bottle, I felt like I was moving in slow motion. Out of the corner of my eye (was actually kinda sorta watching the road while driving) I saw something brown where something clear should have been. Now if you know me, you know I’m a coffee fiend. My first sleepy thought was “Why is there coffee in my water bottle.”  I almost had the bottle to my lips when a memory flashed before me and I almost veered off the road in a moment of pure “EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!” This is what I saw:

Image

Let’s put aside the fact that I’m shedding…. Do ya’ll see what I see? EEEEWWWWWWWW!!!! So gross!!! Yes, this is an impromptu spit cup. I lent my cowboy my car last night (his truck is in the shop) so he could run over to the barn and he apparently found another use for my almost empty water bottle. Cowboys (well, all users of smokeless tobacco products) can apparently make a spittoon out of anything (see my top 10 list on Tales from the Toploader).  He obviously forgot to remove his new spit cup from the premises of my car upon his exit last night.

Life Lesson Learned: If you lend a cowboy your vehicle, check all liquid holding receptacles for evidence of being turned into a spittoon before sipping.  

I am just thankful it was a clear water bottle and not a cup….I sometimes take water to my car in a plastic cup. I’m not sure I would have forgiven him if I had swallowed his tobacco spit.  Thank the Lord, I wasn’t that out of it that early in the morning.

Anyone else run into a similar situation? Or have any other words of cowboy wisdom for us? Please share!

Crazy Little Annie comment: I have no advice. But I’ve been known to down a beer just to give up my can as a spit cup. For a select few. And by few, I mean one. #warmfuzzies #sharingiscaring

Tales from the top-loader…

So some people tend to think the life of a bullrider is always exciting and awesome–and it probably is…. However, it’s not so awesome for those of us lowly other people in their lives.  I date an old bullrider, whose son is a current (injured) rider.  This weekend I had the pleasure of doing 10 loads of laundry left behind by a handful of bullriders. Now before you all think “What a bunch of turds for leaving all that dirty laundry….” the washing machine broke Memorial Day weekend and D (my boyfriend) just now got around to replacing it. I didn’t have to do the laundry, either. I mean, no one forced me to do laundry. I could have left it for said bullriders to do this week. However, the house was beginning to smell ranker than Asteroid bucks, so I knew I had to do something quick (before I died from inhaling the fumes and mildew).

In 24 hours, I did 10 loads of laundry–eight of which were towels. You see, bullriders usually take their jeans and shirts to the cleaners to get starched up just right so I was left with towels, swimsuits, boxer briefs and a few random t-shirts.  Since doing laundry is pretty boring, I decided to amuse myself by making random “scientific” observations and conclusions about bullriders as a general whole.

Here are the top 10 things I learned from doing laundry for bullriders….in no real order:

10. They leave beer cans EVERYWHERE. Ok, that doesn’t have much to do with laundry, except that they actually left one in the laundry room.

9. Said empty beer cans will become spit cups once the beer is gone.

8. They must get their bullriding card pulled if they drink anything other than Lite beer. For example, Crazy Little Annie left most of a 12 pack of Shiner there a month ago, and most of it is still intact (except for what I drank. hehehe) This is in comparison to the lone Bud Light in a can tucked away in the back of the refrigerator.

Crazy Little Annie comment: I think the Shiner isn’t readily accessible. (Read: the Shiner isn’t the first thing you see when you open the fridge and/or not in one of the five coolers you can trip on in the backyard). 

7. Apparently bullriders believe in never using the same towel twice (see the part about 8 loads of towels).  They also apparently like to drop wet towels in random places.

Crazy Little Annie comment: I vote just go towel-less. 

Platinum Annie reply:  You know I agree with this. They pretty much ran around mostly naked on Memorial Day weekend, but I swear NV blushed when I eyed him critically and said “I think we need to establish a rule stating all bullriders must remain shirtless while on the property.” Well I said something to that effect. I may  have had a beer (or 5) at that point.

CLA reply: Bless his heart.

6. They seem to prefer boxers and boxer briefs in a wide variety of colors and styles. No tighty whiteys here.

Crazy Little Annie comment: if they wear anything at all….wait, what?

5. Bullriders are tiny. I kept checking the boxers/boxer briefs for the Underroo’s label.  I really thought some of these must belong to my boyfriend’s grandsons. Not the case.  These guys are just skinny!!!

Crazy Little Annie comment: what she is saying is although a lot of them are very, very easy on the eyes. The don’t look like they stepped out of a Cat Johnson novel (a good friend of Rehab Ranch) or this:

Exhibit A

Platinum Annie response: This is so true. Our beloved scrawny cowboys look like they could still wear these:

4. They like their swimsuits….again, in a variety of colors and patterns. All are long/modest suits though. No speedos for these bullriders.

3. Apparently you must own only super cool tshirts. This made sorting my boyfriend’s t’s from his son’s really easy. Cool shirt=P’s, normal average tshirt=D’s.

2. They’re tough enough to wear pink. Pink/blue plaid boxers, that is. Ok, ok, so maybe the boxers in question weren’t originally blue/pink plaid before I washed them…they are now. Ooops! (My bad—didn’t realize a red tshirt had snuck into that batch of clothes.) So let’s not make fun of them for wearing pink boxers…not their fault!

1. Bullriders get extra points for ingenuity. After running out of towels, they got their friend (whose dad works for the Rangers) to bring over a huge stack of Texas Ranger rally rags. Since the bullriders are skinny, the rally rags worked quite well as towels.

Crazy Little Annie comment: *shakes head*

And there you have it—my grand “scientific” observations/conclusions about bullriders that I came to at some point during the 10 loads of laundry. I’ll let ya’ll know if I come across any other earth-shattering conclusions about those boys in the future. 🙂

Crazy Little Annie comment: I love us.